What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

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I was very sick at this time too.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

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I know ,a lot about trauma.

As i do to all so called friends.?

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

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And who doesn’t know suffering?

(And it was in our own minds.)

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Why is my elder sister so mean?

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

So whats the point in blame.

Why did i forgive my father ?

Are there any men who have sex with male dogs?

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

But, we were locked up after school.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

I don,t even have a pension.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

I did it because my mum asked me too!

The only rule us 5 kids had .

I said to her

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

What did i know ?

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Especially a lifetime of it.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

All the time i was locked up.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

Put me off passion for life!!

It was going to be , some day.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

I write beautiful poetry .

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

I couldn’t, believe it.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

And i lived it daily.

She loved him until the end.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

I think the readers, may guess!

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

I was seconnd youngest,

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

I could never make a relationship work though!

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

We were not on the streets..

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

I waited trembling.

I was scared of men, in general

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I was 9 years of age.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

When she asked me how she looked .

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Who then, do I blame.?

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

He resisted the act ,that day.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

This is how, and why children get BPD.

This is soul school!.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

She wouldn,t have been !

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

She married twice! .

But ive been too sick for many years..

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Ive learnt so much.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

One cannot live in the past .

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Im still living with it.

So, i spoilt her more .

Im dying but, im not bitter.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

Comes on , in middle age.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

I will be 64.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

I have no regrets .

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

She found it foreign!.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

Was to survive, this bastard.

I never cut or harmed myself..

But it wasn’t much.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

We all went to grammer schools

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

He knew the spot.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Would this be the day?

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

My life is so biszare .

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

She was in good health!

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

My family never makes their pension either.